March 25, 2018

Chicago, IL


Tonight brings forth the end of a decade's worth of work for me.  I am moving on.  With new beginnings now close by, uncertainty is scaling the hour's walls.   With this end,  come hopes of putting to use all that I've learned the last ten years, as I most certainly will remember to bring along the many friends I've made in this time.  A bittersweet goodbye to a 'home' that gave me the most  amazing moments of good fun and cheer.
Chicago is a tough landscape to cultivate and yet, as a business I proved success through perseverance and passion during some of the most turbulent times and economic doubts.

This place was a large part of who I am.  A warm spot I nurtured and grew to love since 2007.  My solace lies in that I am going away under my own terms, setting my own clock for departure. It's a choice I only recently made since I feel the next decade of my life approaching from just around the bend.

I usually can share my feelings on paper with ease.  I am most always able to write the day away,  traveling inside my head to lasso my words for expression.  But today, with all that I feel, I am lost.

Perhaps I will revisit this page and fill in the blanks.  But first, a plethora of feelings must be sorted out before I can understand the loss of this rather large chunk of my life.
I sit idle awaiting for the start of my last day 'in,' in hope to muster the strength I have been known to posses during some challenging times.

What can one say?
Silence is best when one's head swims in thoughts that drown the heart in emotions.  Today, this can not be explain away.

ADM

March 24th, 2018

Kenwood ~ Hyde Park, Illinois

 I have traveled full circle.  Nearby, a timed train bells rings for the Metro that moves through this South Shore area.  It's the same train that crossed the front of our house back when we first came to Chicago in March of 1969.  With each scheduled passing,  I am reminded of a time and when my fascination with America loomed large.  This began in my early childhood and while still living in the waterfront suburbs of Athens.  As far back as I can remember, I dreamt of someday living in America.  It was a dream I spoke of to all who would listen then.

 March 15, 1969.  I vividly remember our first night here.  Unable to sleep, I stayed up until dawn looking out the front windows with excitement and wonderment.  My father moved us in to a second floor walk-up apartment that was covered in asphalt tiles. I recall it's winding staircase and how it felt like a palace.  All six of us shared a tiny 2 bedroom apartment just two blocks from Rainbow Beach.  The Illinois Central ran it's tracks across the front our new "home" and Windsor Park was the stop we learned to ride from on weekends, taking us "down-town" to shop along the State Street shops. And although everything has changed since then, it all remains the same with the hourly sounds of the train, taking me back to a time when life held promise for me and our family.

 Lake Michigan lies as magnificent as ever.  And although it's water is sweet; unlike the Mediterranean I grew up in, it still mesmerizes.  The waterline holds the horizon and the Chicago skyline; now densely populated with clusters of buildings that reflect the sky's mood.  The low brick and mortar buildings of yesteryear only a sprinkle amongst the new glass towers.
 After the many places I've  come to call "home" over the years, I have returned to where it all started.
I have chosen to live in a pre-war building that daily reminds me of my first days here, and with it's tall ceilings, it gives me the room and space I need to breathe while indoors.

 A week from today will be my birthday, as I am reminded of the paths I've traveled only to return to where it all began; the South Shores of Chicago on the water's edge of Lake Michigan.

ADM

March 20, 2018

In two weeks I move into a new decade of life.  It's not the number that scares me, it's what I bring to it as I write this.
After 10 successful years of having my own business, it can no longer support itself or me.  And what scares me the most is the reality of having to let it all go and walk into the unknown.
How do I make a living from here on?
Someone recently said to me, "you have been in survival mode for so long that you can't see past today...".  Truer words were never said to me.  And yet I am in a state of inertia, fear and doubt.
I suppose I can do almost anything.  I can try everything.  But I have become immobile and lazy at searching out my options.  What is it I'm waiting for?

I mustn't remain at this state long or I will miss the opportunity of getting back on that galloping horse.  And yet, I feel numb and closed minded, sitting back to think instead of doing.

I don't want to admit depression.  I have always been a sunny and positive person, but life has a way of beating one down when things don't work out.  Finances are dwindling and all I can do is hug my big dog and put everything off "until tomorrow."

I have gone dark.  My hope is small and all I want to do is sleep the day away.
I must rekindle the light of my soul  or risk forever living in the darkness of my own creating.